It's Magic
by MASH-Nut-4077
Summary: No sir, your eyes are not decieving you; this is indeed a Harry Potter - MASH Crossover! James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Lily Evans accidentally apparate into the Swamp, and pure madness ensues. R&R! (I'm baaaaaaaaaaack...)
1. Dear Mother and Father

"Dear Mother and Father..."

Major Charles Emerson Winchester the Third sat back in his chair, speaking slowly and eloquently into his brand new tape recorder, for only the latest and most fashionable technologies were worth the attentions of a Winchester. "I now begin my fourteenth recording since my forced stay in the deplorable Mobile Army Surgical Hospital number four-zero-seven-seven. As I have lamented many times over, the experience is worsened tenfold by the personnel of the 4077th, each of whom is despicable in his or her own way; officers behave like heathens, enlisted men like dogs..."

"WOOF WOOF!" Hawkeye and BJ promptly burst into a bout of furious barking and howling from across the tent where they were playing chess. Charles slammed the recorder down onto his desk and wheeled around, effortlessly striking what he expected was his best fear-inspiring stance, and fixed the two Captains with a look that was occasionally referred to as the patented 'Winchester Glare of Doom'. They put on their straightest faces as he narrowed his eyes threateningly, face reddening more with each passing second, and boomed dramatically, "You... cretins! That is the _third_ time today that you have ruined my tape recording, and should you think to do it again, I will _personally_ make _both_ your lives a _living hell!_ Is that _clear?_"

"Sorry, Charlie," BJ said, and took out Hawkeye's knight. "The war beat you to it."

Charles rolled his eyes and unhappily noted the onset of a throbbing headache. He turned his back on them and picked up the recording piece, flipped the switch, and started again. "Dear Mother and Father... WHAT IN THE HELL!" There was a terrible clatter. Winchester jumped back, and in one swift, ungraceful motion he overturned his chair and landed on the cot behind it with a crash. Hawkeye and BJ, without looking up, asked in unison, "Spider, Charles?" But the Major had been rendered absolutely speechless.

The two other men looked up and were similarly disabled.

With a sound like an enormous cork being pried from the neck of a bottle for which it is far too big, four children had appeared, from thin air, in the middle of their tent. The surgeons watched warily as the only female in their quaint little group, a girl with red hair and startlingly bright complementary green eyes, berated the three guys who were apparently not listening, but rather surveying their surroundings with extreme interest.

"James, I told you not to do it!" she huffed. "We're only third years, you blasted idiot! Apparating out of Hogsmeade... I never... why... we'll be _expelled!_"

The boy to whom she was speaking, a tall young man with untidy black hair and round spectacles, ignored her completely. Hawkeye, BJ, and Charles noted that he, like the others, was wearing a flowing black robe that carried a strange scarlet and gold crest on the left shoulder, and carrying a little wooden stick. Wait... wands?

What were they? _Fairies?_

One of the other boys walked up to Hawkeye and spoke with a recognizably British accent, like the girl. He looked exhausted - almost permanently so, if that was possible - and bore a series of silver scars along his face and hands. "Hello, my name's Remus Lupin. My friends and I seem to have made a slight... navigational error in our travels - would you care to give us our location and the year, please?"

Something sparked fiercely in Hawkeye's bright blue eyes, and he stood suddenly, looking down upon the boy. "Apparating as third years? What the hell's the matter with you? You could have all been splinched!"


	2. Horrible Hawkeye

**(A/N: Oh my... I wasn't expecting such a positive response... O-o; I was expecting to be beaten over the head with a blunt object until I lost consciousness, and then burned at the stake. But here I am, back for another chapter! Standing for truth, justice, and everything against Army Rules'n'Regs with a broomstick in one hand and a martini in the other!  
  
Oh, and Brummie-Babe - I know that they can't apparate off the Hogwarts grounds. That's why I said they came out of Hogsmeade. :D )  
**  
Remus looked stunned.  
  
"And another thing - you walked into a group of muggles and asked them the year, and were the hell you were. Didn't you think they'd find that a little strange? I hope to God that you three know a decent memory charm, or else you'd be in a serious situation right now. You probably are already, with your Ministry!"  
  
The four looked guiltily down at their feet.  
  
"Hawkeye... do you know what's going on here?" BJ's eyebrows were knitted together with the utmost confusion, and Charles looked like a fish out of water as he tried to fit together a coherent string of words. Hawkeye stopped, and the look on his face showed that he had nearly forgotten altogether the presence of his tentmates.  
  
"Well, I might as well tell you, seeing as how in a few minutes you won't remember anything past Charles' promise to ruin our lives in any way possible..." He turned around and took a deep breath, explaining it all very quickly.  
  
"These kids are wizards. Well, except the girl, who's a witch. As this young lady here made it known a minute ago, they're all in their third year at a school of magic. Most likely Hogwarts, one of the most prominent schools of witchcraft and wizardry to have ever been established anywhere in the world... anyway, they've just performed a very complicated spell which, by law, they're forbidden to do until they're sixth years or above. They've managed to transport themselves from someplace in Britain to here, luckily without splitting themselves in half between the two places."  
  
After a moment of silence, BJ burst into laughter and Charles gave him a look of pure loathing. "Hahaha... you're a funny, funny man, Hawk... very cute. Seriously, though, where'd the kids come from? They shouldn't be here. They could get hurt."  
  
Hawkeye looked very annoyed. "BJ, I'm serious." He brushed a strand of black hair out of his face and turned to the young wizard behind him, Remus. "Can I see your wand?" With a slight bit of hesitance, Remus handed his wand to Hawkeye, who pointed it at the first thing he saw. "_Accio glass_" He said quickly, and BJ nearly had a heart attack as his martini glass zoomed out of his hand and into Hawkeye's.  
  
"See? Real wand, real magic." He pressed the wand back into Remus' hand and turned around to face the others. "Now, about that memory charm."  
  
"Wait, Hawkeye... you're saying that all of this is _real_?" BJ asked. Hawkeye rolled his eyes, annoyed - he couldn't believe this was happening. He just wanted to erase their memories and get it over with. "Does that mean you're a... warlock... too?" BJ looked as though he hardly dared to believe that any of it was true, but wanted to all the same. Hawkeye's cheeks reddened. "Wizard." He said shortly "And no, I just... er... I mean.. well..."  
  
"I know you!" The last boy, neither James nor Remus, spoke up. The redhaired witch elbowed him sharply in the ribs and said "Don't talk to him, Sirius! We're in enough trouble as it is!" But he was tugging on James' sleeve excitedly. "Oh sod off, Lily. James, that's Ben Franklin Pierce! Horrible Hawkeye! We read about him in 'Wizarding World's Greatest Pranksters', remember? Him and that fella... John Xavier."  
  
James' mouth fell open.  
  
"He went to that American school.. Chrailston's, or something like that. Nearly burned the entire school down, once!" He ran up to Hawkeye, speaking with great reverence in his tone. "How did you learn that spell you used to turn the inside of your school upside down? You were only a first year! And hey... what was the incantation?" Lily dragged him back, as Hawkeye felt BJ and Charles' eyes on his back.  
  
This would not end well. 


	3. Magic Does Not Exist

"Sirius Black."  
  
"James Potter."  
  
"Remus Lupin."  
  
"Lily Evans."  
  
They all took turns coming up to shake Hawkeye's hand, who was turning various shades of red. He turned back to BJ, who was grinning.  
  
"So you can... you can actually do magic? Oh my God, I can't believe I actually believe you, but you can do _magic?_"  
  
"Preposterous." Charles finally spoke. "Absolutely louche. This, this, this _moron_ took four innocent children away from their parents in the middle of Korea, dressed them up like his playthings, and gave them a script and little pointy sticks." He was breathing very heavily now, coloring with anger. "He rigged your martini glass with thread, and paid some lowly little Private to stand outside and pull the end so it floated over into his hand. This is one of his ridiculous pranks, Hunnicutt, because **MAGIC DOES NOT EXIST!"**

"...Oh yes it does." Sirius said, smirking at the obviously distraught Major. He raised his wand, prepared to give him proof, when Hawkeye stayed his wand hand. Smiling thinly, the tall surgeon walked over to his footlocker, completed the combination with ease, and opened it. He pulled out a picture of himself as a boy standing next to his father, with the very first fish he had ever caught. Smiling at it for a moment, he then flipped it over and started pulling out the back.  
  
"Hawk? What are you doing?"  
  
"Hold on, Beej..."  
  
The back popped out of the frame, and Hawkeye fished around with his long, thin fingers until he pulled out what looked like a toothpick. He dropped the picture frame onto his cot and stood up, tapping the little splinter of wood three times against his left palm. It grew before their eyes into a big splinter of wood. Hawkeye twirled it a few times in his right hand, smiling.  
  
"Oak, 14 inches, phoenix feather. Aaaahh, yes, the wand chooses the wizard, young Pierce..." Hawkeye said in a dark, forbidding voice, winking at the four students. "It's been almost three years since I used it. I brought it only for emergencies..."  
  
He whirled around and pointed his wand at Charles, but said nothing. Instead, he just concentrated very hard. And... voila! A moment later, the balding Boston doctor had a full head of hair.  
  
Purple hair.  
  
BJ burst out laughing, and Charles looked humiliated. He had hardly any idea of what Hawkeye had even done to him, but he knew it was bound to be something bad... he closed his eyes as the sounds of laughter filled his ears.  
  
_"Honoria... don't you point that stick at me! I'll tell mum'n'dad!"  
  
His older sister laughed, smirking. "How c-c-can you t-tell mummy and daddy if you d-d-d-d-don't have a m-m-mouth?" She pointed her wand at him and cried out a jumble of nonsense, and Charles found himself in the air, floating towards his father's coat rack. There was a short drop, but he didn't fall to the floor – his breeches had caught on a hook, and he was suspended there.  
  
Honoria moved her wand in a jerky fashion and he found himself gagged with something lacy, which he would later find was a doll's dress, as well as being bound at the wrists. As young Charles hung there, hot tears running down his cheeks, he heard his sister laughing as she skipped off.  
  
Mum and dad were always so proud of her for being a witch... especially dad... after Honoria got her letter, nothing he did could please his father..._  
  
"Wait... Beej... where did those kids go?"  
  
Hawkeye was looking around frantically. Suddenly his bright blue eyes went wide as they caught sight of a ripple of black material fluttering in the breeze, just before it whipped through a doorway and out of sight.  
  
They were in the Mess Tent.


	4. Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus

Hawkeye rushed into the Mess Tent, BJ following close behind and Charles at the rear, demanding angrily that Hawkeye return his hair to its natural absence. Inside, James and Sirius had joined the chow line, while Lily and Remus hung back. Obviously their stomachs were a great deal smarter than those of their friends, because they were eyeing the food with much distaste. People were staring at the kids who were dressed in funny black bathrobes and carrying sticks, but some of them didn't look upon the witch and wizards with such naïveté.  
  
Especially the 4077th's King of Naïve, Corporal Radar O'Reilly.  
  
Wand tucked up his sleeve and out of sight, Hawkeye sat down at an empty table, BJ and Charles still trailing behind, and stared icily at Lily and Remus until they came and sat down across from him. Sirius and James joined them moments later, their trays piled with slop. "It's not Hogwarts cooking," Sirius said, his mouth full of potatoes, "but it's food!"  
  
"Do you realize that I'm gonna have to wipe the memories of everyone in this tent?" Hawkeye asked irritably, glaring at the small group. Again, they looked guilty, but Hawkeye soon forgot about that as Radar scuttled over to their table with his own tray. He stared at them, and then said quietly "Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus."  
  
"Never tickle a sleeping dragon." Hawkeye, James, Sirius, Lily, and Remus confirmed together. Lily looked surprised. "I thought _we_ were the only ones who used that code." Hawkeye shook his head.  
  
"No, witches and wizards all over the world use it to determine who's magic, and who's a muggle."  
  
Radar continued to stare at Hawkeye, before he whispered "You? I never would have guessed!" Hawkeye chuckled. "I'd never have guessed you either, if it weren't for your radar, Radar. I've wondered for awhile, though."  
  
"What are they doing here, wands out and in their robes? They can't be more'n fourth years!"  
  
"They're only third years. Third years at _Hogwarts_." Radar's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "They apparated, _illegally_, and ended up here. Now BJ and Charles know about magic," he jabbed a thumb in their direction "and nearly the entire camp knows that they're here, thanks to their adolescent stomachs. You got your wand here?"  
  
"Yeah, ma made me bring it for emergencies."  
  
"Good, go get it. It's been so long, I can't perform a memory charm on 200 people by myself."  
  
Nodding, Radar hurried out of the tent. It was a good thing, too, because he might have fainted when Hawkeye stood up on the table, drawing even more attention to that area. Raising his arms, he asked loudly "Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus?"  
  
"Never tickle a sleeping dragon!"  
  
Came the scattered response. Hawkeye was amazed. Among those who had answered were Corporal Klinger, Nurses Kellye and Baker, Captain Spalding, a few Korean orderlies, and _Margaret Houlihan_. Hawkeye nearly fell off the table as he saw her look up and reply, appearing just as surprised as he was. Those few who had answered kept their attention in his direction, staring, while the others rolled their eyes, dismissing the whole thing as more of the tomfoolery for which Hawkeye was well known.  
  
Making eye contact with each and every single magical person in the tent, Hawkeye inconspicuously poked the end of his wand out of his sleeve. They nodded.  
  
"If you have it, go get it."  
  
Hardly anyone noticed their comrades racing out of the Mess Tent, as people had begun to notice Charles' purple hair. They pointed and laughed, and Charles, once again, began to redden with humiliation. Standing tall he rose and exited the tent with his usual grace, a familiar air of superiority about him, and made his way back to the Swamp, hands in pockets.  
  
Hawkeye jumped down, and took a seat next to BJ who asked "All those people who just left... they're witches and wizards too?" He was pale with excitement and disbelief, a crazy grin stretched across his face. Hawkeye nodded, smiling. "Yeah..." BJ was so excited about the concept of magic being real. It hurt him to think that, in just a few hours, maybe less, he would have to wipe his best friend's memory of the whole incident. 


	5. Of Privies and Latrines

"Erm... Hawkeye..." Remus tapped him rather embarrassedly on the shoulder, turning a faint shade of pink. "Hawkeye, where's the... privy?" He asked quietly. Hawkeye looked surprised.  
  
"The what?"  
  
"The privy!" The young wizard said urgently. Behind him, James and Sirius nodded fervently.  
  
"I'm sorry," Hawkeye said, eyebrows raised slightly "I don't know what a privy is!" Across from him Lily rolled her eyes, looking to BJ as he said "Hawk, he means the latrine."  
  
"Latrine?" Lily asked quizzically, tossing her fiery red hair over her shoulder. "What's a latrine? The privy is the bathroom." "Well, latrine is the US Army's word for the bathroom." BJ said, smiling slightly. As Remus, James, and Sirius rushed off in the direction that Hawkeye was pointing, Lily said  
  
"Aha, US Army. There's a clue. Do I have to solve the mystery all by my bloody self, or are you two just going to tell me where we are, and what year it is? It's rather rare that a wizard, much less four of them, can apparate back in time... but with all the mistakes we've made today, I wouldn't be surprised."  
  
"You're in South Korea, near Pusan, and unfortunately you... apparated... right into the middle of a war. It's 1952."  
  
Lily cast a grim look at BJ and sighed. "That means we managed to apparate from Hogwarts to southeast Asia, and go back in time 18 years." Her eye twitched. "Lovely. Just... lovely."  
  
The boys came back from the latrine with a mischievous glint in their eyes, tucking their wands back into their robes. When Lily told them the news, though, their faces fell. "Lily," James said, being serious for the first time since they had arrived "It's an entirely different spell to apparate forward in time, and even then, we may end up at Hogwarts a century after we're supposed to have graduated." "I know." Lily said miserably.  
  
Wands tucked up their sleeves, a parade of witches and wizards came back into the Mess Tent, looking to Hawkeye for direction. He motioned for them to follow him outside, along with the students, Remus, James, Sirius, and Lily. They hid out behind the Officer's Club, shivering as a chilly wind penetrated their fatigues. Of course, the Hogwarts kids were snug inside their robes. "So drab. What's with all the black?" Klinger asked with a raised eyebrow. "Our robes were canary yellow... ugliest things I ever saw..."  
  
"So you're all witches and wizards too?" Hawkeye asked, looking surprised. "I thought I was the only one in all of Korea!" There were a chorus of 'So did I's. Once they quieted down, Hawkeye said  
  
"Alright. These kids are Lily Evans, James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Sirius Black. They're underage, obviously, third years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, or so I'm led to believe. They were attempting to apparate illegally, and ended up here in Korea... though that's not the worst of it. They've also managed to apparate back in time, about 18 years. Does anyone here recall the proper incantation for apparating successfully into the future?" Dishing out reprimanding looks at the guilty children, people all shook their heads no.  
  
Margaret raised her hand, and Hawkeye stifled a grin. "I don't remember it, but I brought this just in case." She reached into the breast pocket of her fatigues and pulled out a square that was barely any larger then a postage stamp. Revealing her wand which was rather long and made of a very dark wood, she gave the square a little tap and muttered  
  
"_Magnus_."  
  
Within seconds it had grown into a full-sized spellbook, and Margaret was already flipping through the pages. "Wow!" Someone whispered, and the Major turned to see BJ peeking around the corner of the Officer's Club. "BJ!" She hissed, giving Hawkeye a horrified look, as if demanding that he do something. Hawkeye calmed her with a reassuring wave of his hand. "He knows." There was a murmur through the group as Hawkeye motioned for BJ to join them. He leaned against the wall, out of the way, as they conducted 'business'.  
  
"Alright. I'm a bit rusty with the wand, seeing as how it's been nearly three years since I used it." Most of the others nodded sympathetically. "We're gonna have to perform a memory charm on nearly 200 people. I assume you all know the easiest one – Obliviate?" There were nods and murmurs of confirmation. "Okay, that's good." He gave a rather humorless smile. "We could just force- feed them martinis... that always makes me forget."  
  
"Wait. Hawk." BJ spoke up. "Hawk, are you going to... wipe my memory? Am I going to forget all of this?" Hawkeye looked sad. "I don't know yet, Beej. I don't know."  
  
Margaret looked up from her book, her finger holding a place on the page. "Hawkeye," she interrupted "this is really difficult. You have to say _Anticus Apparato_, along with the location, the year, the date, and the time. Then you just apparate like normal. I don't think they'll be able to do it..."  
  
He looked very unsure for a moment, chewing on his bottom lip. "I'll have to take them, then." Hawkeye said simply, shrugging his shoulders. "How hard can it be?" "Pierce, there's a 98% chance of getting splinched into 50,000 different pieces along the way."  
  
Hawkeye gulped. "Well, um... I'll look into that." Looking up into the sky and trying to fight down fear, he noticed that it was growing dark. "Oh, damn." He muttered. "We can't do this now." He looked at all the faces around him. Klinger, Radar, Margaret, Kellye, Baker, some of the locals, a corpsman, and a small scattering of other personnel.  
  
"There's nothing for it. They'll have to stay here tonight."

James and Sirius exchanged evil grins.

**(A/N: Ok, folks, now the REAL fun begins. XD)**


	6. The Benefits of Living With Magic

**(A/N: Due to a nasty bout of writer's block, I kinda had to force this chapter out... but I'm already working on the next two, so don't worry, it has passed!)**

"Welcome to the Hotel Swamp," said Hawkeye, holding the door for the Marauders (as he had learned they called themselves) and Lily. They looked just as interested in the tent as they had when they had apparated into it, and it struck Hawkeye as odd that anyone could be interested in a boring old Army tent. Especially the one he had lived in for the past two and a half years.  
  
Each student held an awkward, heavy, olive drab cot and glanced around. Already crowded with three bunks, a stove, a distillery, a writing desk, and three footlockers, there was no way they would all fit.  
  
...Or was there?  
  
Looking guilty, but also gleeful at being naughty and devious, Hawkeye flicked his wand and magically expanded the inside of the Swamp to nearly twice its normal size. Everything stretched and wriggled slightly before falling still. BJ looked ready to faint.  
  
"Everyone's going to notice that the Swamp's doubled in size, Hawkeye!" He cried, but Hawkeye just smiled and shrugged.  
  
"No they won't. Go look for yourself."  
  
BJ gave him an odd look and left the tent. When he returned, looking awestruck, Hawkeye just smirked.  
  
"You guys sleep on these things? Every night?" Sirius asked incredulously, gently prodding the taut, stiff canvas that covered the wooden cot frame. He had already set up his bed (with the aid of magic), and Lily, James, and Remus were doing the same. Sirius took out his wand again and pointed it at the cot, muttering  
  
"Delenio!"  
  
And flopped down onto the softened cot. Hawkeye and BJ were dismayed to see that it bounced slightly beneath Sirius when he dropped onto it, as though he had lain down on a very comfortable mattress.  
  
Hawkeye looked especially stern, reprimanding  
  
"Look, you guys, this camp is full of muggles. That group that was outside the OC, they're only a fraction of the people who are here – there's two hundred of them! We can't go flaunting our magic so irrationally-"  
  
"But if they're all going to be obliviated tomorrow, what's the harm?"  
  
Lily asked with an innocent smile, tapping her wand against the cot she had erected and conjuring several poofy pillows. Hawkeye rolled his eyes and relented almost immediately.  
  
"Boy, really had to twist _his_ arm..." Remus muttered, chuckling to himself. The ravenhaired doctor was now eagerly throwing various spells and charms at his own cot, making it nearly twice as wide and conjuring a feather mattress on top of it, with several heavy blankets and pillows.  
  
"Hey! What about me?" BJ sniffed, looking forlorn, but his face split into a grin as Hawkeye did the same to his own rock hard bed. He settled down onto the mattress and watched as spells flew back and forth in a once in a lifetime display of magic that he might never see again. The fact that such an enchanting world really did exist outside that of non-magical people was still slightly overwhelming to him. He was afraid that, with the coming of morning, he would be forced to forget it all.  
  
But a distinctly nurse-like scream from in the direction of the latrines broke him out of his reverie, as James, Sirius, and Remus, sporting identical grins, dashed out of the tent quickly followed by Hawkeye and a disgruntled looking Lily.


	7. Caught

**(A/N: Well it's been a long three months of pain-in-the-arse writer's block, but if you guys're willing to take me back and you still want to read this story, I'm willing to work hard on the last few chapters and give you an... interesting ending. Whaddaya say? Can you forgive me? **

**I had to force myself to finish this chapter (And I know this is what I said at the beginning of the last chapter) but I think it'll go smoothly from here on out.**

**-MN4077/Nikki)**

"What have you cretins done this time?!" Charles bellowed, having long-since reached the scene of the crime, as Hawkeye and the rest came to a halt in front of the latrines. Hawkeye, for once completely innocent, shrugged wordlessly and stepped aside to reveal three grinning boys, who quickly stowed their wands and tried their best to look ashamed (though the result left them looking rather crazy).

"Hey, we haven't done anything!" Sirius cried indignantly, though his expression was far from that of angelic innocence. James and Remus nodded enthusiastically to support this statement. Just then, Margaret came plunging through the crowd in her bathrobe as Nurse Edwards stumbled out of the latrine, looking pale and faint.

"I... i... in there!"

Margaret caught the poor woman in her strong arms and passed her limp form to Nurse Cutler, who promptly began trying to revive her, and stomped wordlessly into the latrine. For some reason her enraged snarl wasn't quite as frightening as expected, and a moment later, the burst of laughter that followed was heard by all. Walking back out again, she looked at Hawkeye and jabbed a thumb behind her, chuckling. "Go have a look, Hawkeye!"

"Er..."

With one last look at the scheming trio, who was currently being berated by their redheaded companion, Hawkeye passed through the gaping crowd and stood at the open door, gaping as well, as he looked in.

Flowers.

Everywhere.

The the 5x6 latrine had obviously been magically expanded, and was now a spacious room that could fit the whole of the Swamp inside, covered in bright pink wallpaper and decorated with flowers of every color and species. There were even several that Hawkeye didn't recognize, but was sure were native to Scotland or some such location. Everything from daffodills and daisies to lavender and lilies adorned the walls and floor and ceiling, and there was even a wreath of roses lying around the toilet seat. To say the least, the aroma that filled the tiny bathroom was more pleasant than it had ever been.

Hawkeye turned around, intent on making his way back out, when he faced a mob of inquisitive onlookers.

"Hey! Hey, c'mon now, back up, there's really nothing to see in here...!" he cried, but his protests fell on deaf ears. Confused and frightened, people were talking very quickly and very loudly, panic written on several faces. Of course, a chosen few remained calm and maybe even amused, for obvious reasons.

"WHAT'N THE SAM HILL'S GOIN' ON HERE?!"

...Well that shut them up.

Colonel Potter stormed across the compound, ignoring Klinger's compliment on how well his combat boots went with that robe, and shoved his way through the rapidly-parting crowd to the latrines.

His reaction stunned everybody.

With a rather indifferent expression Potter stopped, raised one eyebrow, studied the beautified latrine critically, and then shut the door. The united gaze of the entire camp followed him as he walked slowly and silently over to the men's latrine, which no one had even thought to check. He took hold of the handle and pulled.

"YAAAGH!"

Stumbling backwards, Potter took a distinctly defensive stance and hollered into the darkness beyond the door,

"Who'n the hell're you?!"

The reply was unintelligible. It sounded like a string of foreign cursewords, possibly German, from which no one was able to gather a coherent response. An old man shuffled out of the latrine, scowling from beneath bushy eyebrows, and scratched absently at the scraggly mop of dirty grey hair on top of his head. After staring around for a second, the strange man screamed something else in German, but the only thing anyone could understand was something that sounded suspiciously like _"Ludvig Van Beethoven!" _However, before he could say more, Sirius sprinted up to the front and leapt into the air, tackling poor Ludwig and shoving him headfirst into the men's toilet. He then shut and bolted the door from the outside (though no one was quite sure where the outside lock had so suddenly appeared from).

Charles let out a strangled noise that sounded like a cross between a moo and a whimper.

Colonel Potter turned on his heel to face his 'troops', the majority of whom were standing there like a bunch of slackjawed idiots, and announced in his most professional, Colonel-ish tone, "Anyone who knows _anything_ about this... incident is to report to my office." No one moved. "_Immediately._" People started to trickle away and most headed back to their tents, looking like they were in need of a stiff drink and a lot of sleep to take care of these pesky hallucinations, while Hawkeye, Sirius, James, Remus, Lily, Margaret, Klinger, and Radar trudged towards Potter's office. Their stern-looking commander followed, making sure no one tried to make a run for it.

They were in for it this time, and everybody knew it. Hawkeye even told them so.

"We're all in for it this time," he muttered with a disapproving glare toward the Marauders, who hung their heads. This was such an enormous violation of nearly every Wizarding Code of Conduct ever written, that every one of them was sure they would have their wand taken and snapped in half for their recklessness. Each was so wrapped up in his or her own thoughts, that no one noticed Colonel Potter's chuckle, or the little twinkle in his eye.


	8. Absence of Punishment?

The swinging doors creaked loudly on unoiled hinges. Standard Army-issue boots clunked on the wooden floor. Heavy black robes rustled. Throats were cleared uncomfortably. The lights flickered.

Colonel Potter seated himself in the chair behind his desk and clasped his hands behind his head, observing the silent pranksters. They knew they had been caught, and they knew they were in serious trouble. The worst of their punishment, if they recieved one, wouldn't come from Potter, though. Oh no, it would be from the British and American Ministries of Magic, and it would surely be a terribly harsh one.

"So," Potter said, swinging his feet up to rest them on the edge of his desk. "The women's latrine has mysteriously grown to several times its normal size, while still appearing to have regulation measurements on the outside." His tone was surprisingly calm and formal, and his face expressionless. "It has also been covered in pink wallpaper and flowers." He paused here to gaze around at the guilty faces. The four children were shielded almost protectively by Hawkeye, Margaret, and Klinger, though Potter could see that their heads were hung shamefully. Radar was standing off to the side, his face white as a sheet, looking for all the world like he was going to be beheaded.

Potter shifted in his chair and folded his hands in his lap. "The men's latrine is currently holding an imprisoned snooty-music composer who's been dead for some-hundred years, at least to my knowledge." Sirius coughed loudly and sidled behind Hawkeye, trying to hide himself further; obviously this had been his handywork. "Not to mention the fact that there are four unauthorized minors in a war zone." He removed his feet from the desk top and set them on the floor, leaning forward to peer sternly at the eight people assembled before him. He dropped the formality. "Well? Whaddaya got to say for yourselves?"

"Colonel," Hawkeye began, completely unsure of how he was going to explain this. "We... um... we really have no excuse. It was just a little joke gone wrong-"

"An accident," Remus piped up from behind Klinger. "It was an accident. We really didn't mean to, sir! We were just having a bit of fun, not trying to scare anyone!"

The noticeable British accent caused a very small smile to tug at one corner of Colonel Potter's mouth. A moment later, a chuckle broke loose. He stared directly at the four scheming students and said, "Your Headmaster'll be furious with you when he finds out 'bout this mess. This is all very dangerous... not to mention illegal!"

"You... you...!" Margaret squeaked, her eyes wide with shock.

"You're a _wizard_!" Klinger shouted, despite Margaret and Hawkeye's quick shushes. "Holy Toledo!"

"You know about _Hogwarts_?!" the Marauders chorused, looking terrified.

"Nah, I ain't no wizard," Potter said softly, shrugging. "I'm a squib. But I sure as hell know them British types, and whoever's head o'your school's gonna be mad as a monkey with the mumps!"

"You're not British!" Lily pointed out suddenly, as Colonel Potter's accent grew stronger and stronger. "You're from the American south! How do you know of us? Especially if you're a squib?" she demanded, hands on her hips. Potter's eyes twinkled briefly.

"Not 'til you tell me who _you_ are, little miss."

That's where Hawkeye broke in. "Colonel Potter, uh, sir, meet Lily Evans, James Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin. They're from Hogwarts." He shifted uncomfortably. "How do you know about- about-"

"Mildred," Potter answered shortly. "Fine witch. She went to Hogwarts for a few years, 'fore her parents moved out to St. Louie." Hawkeye looked ready to faint. It most certainly was shaping up to be an interesting day. "My father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were all wizards, but I just didn't have the stuff in me, I suppose. Who's your Headmaster, kids?"

"D- D- Dippet, but D-Dumbledore's taken over this year," Remus said, swallowing. They were in trouble with a man in a position of extreme authority, who happened to _know_ about the wizarding world _and_ their school. Things could hardly get any worse.

"Dumbledore?" Potter asked, his eyebrows lifted with surprise. "Last I heard o' him, he was still abroad after takin' care of Grindelwald, gettin' ready to accept a position at Hogwarts as the Transfiggy teacher. So he's the Headmaster now, eh?" Remus paled. He knew their _teacher,_ too.

"The dark wizard Grindelwald?" James asked, looking fascinated. "How do you know about him?" Colonel Potter laughed.

"My wife helped to defeat him, son! Ain't you ever heard o' Mildred Potter?" They shook their heads, but Lily made a mental note to look up the name in the library, when they got back to schoo. She swallowed. If they _ever_ got back to school. The Colonel looked back and forth between Hawkeye, Margaret, Klinger, and Radar. "Now, what's bein' done to make sure these kids get back home?

Margaret swallowed visibly. "Er..."

"Well," Hawkeye said carefully, "you know what apparition is, right?" Potter nodded. "That's good. See, these kids, uh, well they... they apparated here, but they did it illegally, because the four of them are all underage." Potter shot them a stern glance.

"Oh, that's not the worst of it, sir." Radar mumbled, shaking his head vigorously, his little round glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose.

"There's more?"

"Afraid so," Hawkeye said. You see, er... these kids, well, they apparated back in time. On accident. They go to school in Scotland-"

"SHH!" the four of them hissed immediately. Lily shot Hawkeye a scathing look and practically snarled, "Why don't you just tell the whole world where it's at?!"

Hawkeye rolled his eyes. "They go to school in the year 1970."

Silence filled the room.

"Well how in the _hell_ are you going to get them back?!"

"It's... complicated. And dangerous. I'd have to-"

"**_Attention all personnel, wounded in the compound! All medical shifts report to the pad immediately! ASAP, folks, this chopper's gotta be back to Tokyo 'fore dark! Attention all personnel, attention all personnel! We got wounded!"_**

**(A/N: Ha, great place to leave off, wouldn't you say? ;) Anyway, in my story, Colonel Potter is in no way related to James. Period. In other news, NaNoWriMo is now over, so I can dedicate all my writing time to finishing up the poor, innocent little ficlets I abandoned oh-so-long ago... thanks to all my reviewers! Hee!)**


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